


Leave My Soul

by The_Writing_Gremlin



Category: The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: BAMF Natasha Romanov, Death, Gen, Hurt Natasha Romanov, Natasha Romanov Feels, Natasha Romanov Is Not A Robot, POV Natasha Romanov, Sadness, Songfic, implied depression, mentioned avengers - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-10
Updated: 2020-09-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:33:55
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,164
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26385697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Writing_Gremlin/pseuds/The_Writing_Gremlin
Summary: A songfic because endgame made me sad.
Relationships: Clint Barton & Natasha Romanov, Natasha Romanov & Avengers Team
Comments: 1
Kudos: 9





	Leave My Soul

Author's note: I do not own the song. All the writing besides that is mine. 

Song: Journey back to you by NerdOut

_Paralyzed_

_By a terror in my dreams_

_But I can't wake up, no, I can't wake up_

My hands still shake remembering what we brought to Wakanda. Sometimes I wonder if everything would have turned out better if we were willing to trade lives in order to win.

Steve refused. We all did. Maybe we were all blind. It was our job to die for the earth, to save it and we failed.

I can't get it out of my head that maybe if I hadn't let Steve take James and escape to Wakanda that the avengers might have stood against Thanos as a unified front.

There are so many things that we could have done better. God, we made so many mistakes.

_Erase my mind_

_'Cuz my conscience it won't sleep_

_Is it all my fault, is it all my fault?_

I can't get the sight out of my head. I see them just..turn to dust before my eyes. Every night. Half of the population of the universe. I can't wipe out that much red. Not ever. We even hunted Thanos down after the snap. Thor beheaded him this time. It did absolutely nothing. We brought none of them back.

They're all dead. James..Wanda...T'challa...Nick..Maria...Clint's family all of them. The blame rests squarely on the avengers. So in turn it rests on me.

So I throw myself into the job. I do everything I can. It's easier not to sleep so I don't. Colonel Rhodes tells me all the time that I'm accomplishing nothing by staying up all night watching the scanners and feeds. I tell him the same thing every damn time. We all have our way of coping with things. Steve's is his support group and this is mine. He always gives me the concerned friend look that he's so used to giving Tony.

I just ignore him.

_Failure's not and outcome we were used to_

_Reality don't care 'bout what we lose._

Clint's gone rouge. I can't stop the tears this time. He's become what he always feared he would because of me. It's my fault he's rampaging through the world on killing spree. I don't blame him.

I know that Colonel Rhodes thinks I'm being self destructive by handling Clint's case myself. He thinks I'm punishing myself. He's right.

But he needs to take a look around at everyone else too. None of us are handling our biggest failure well.

_But I won't ever say forever_

_No, I won't ever say it's through_

_'Cause maybe if I try to leave it all behind_

_I'll find a journey back to you_

A glimmer of hope fills me for the first time in years after we find Scott Lang and he pitches his time travel idea to Steve. As predicted, Steve immediately wants to go see Tony. That goes about as well as you'd expect. We get Bruce to come work on the time travel theory.

_We may be out of time together_

_But I've got nothing left to lose_

I find Clint in Japan slaughtering Yakuza. It is raining. He reminds me of me when I first joined shield. He slips his hand into mine.

_So maybe if I try to leave it all behind_

_I'll find a journey back to you_

Tony figured out time travel! We actually might be able to fix this! He and Steve also made up.

Clint's going to test it out. I'm worried about him because he's going to see his family again. I know how much that'll hurt him.

He came back safe. Only I could see the tears in his eyes behind the steely determination.

We had to this. That's when I really knew it. We had to win at any cost.

_Can't just forget it all_

_That's a power I don't have_

We all had our separate missions. Clint and I were tasked with getting the soul stone on Voromir. Steve gave one of those rousing speeches he's so good at and then we were off.

We drop off Nebula and Colonel Rhodes on Morag where their mission is to retrieve the power stone.

Then it's off to Voromir.

_Did I give enough?_

_Did I give enough?_

This time we're going to win. Regardless of the cost. Even if it costs me my life I will make certain that we get the soul stone back to the present time.

_Yeah, the mountain's tall_

_But there's space to take a chance_

_Oh, I won't give up, no, I won't give up._

The climb is long and arduous. Voromir is a dark place. When Clint and I reach the top of the mountain we are greeted by a startling sight.

The red skull in dementor-esque garb floating at the top of the cliff where we assumed the soul stone was kept.

"Natalia daughter of Ivan." Those words broke me from my thoughts. The red skull explained what we would have to do in order to get the soul stone.

I could see it in Clint's eyes that he wanted to die so that he wouldn't have to face what he did as Ronin. But I can't let him. He didn't let me die. He gave me a second chance. I'll make sure he lives to get his.

_Failure's not an outcome we were used to_

_My soul's got something left to prove_

Clint and I collided in battle as we both fought to reach the edge. He knocked me from my feet with an explosive arrow. He took a flying leap off. I ran off after him.

_I won't ever say forever_

_No, I won't ever say it's through_

I stuck my widow's bite to Clint's utility belt as I fell. That way he couldn't kill himself. My shoulder crunched when he caught me by the gauntlet.

_'Cause maybe if I leave it all behind_

_I'll find a journey back to you._

You're a pain in my ass you know that?

_We might be out of time together_

_But I got nothing left to lose_

Let me go.

No, he sobbed.

It's okay.

I kicked off the side of the cliff and out of Clint's grip. I distantly heard his agonized cry.

_So maybe if I try to leave it all behind_

_I'll find a journey back to you._

The wind rushed through my hair as I plummeted towards the unforgiving stone.

_I won't ever say forever_

I smiled. Clint can have his second chance

_I won't ever say it's through._

He can see his family again.

_'Cause maybe if I leave it all behind_

I've finally repaid my debt.

_I'll find a journey back to you._

It's not a bad way to go. Dying for what you believe in.

_Back to you._

Pain. Pain. Pain.

_Back to you._

It all faded away.

_Back to you._


End file.
